Claire Hartshorne, one of our clinical psychologists at Teladoc Health UK, writes…
Even the strongest relationships experience moments of stress or misunderstanding. Whether at home, at work, or between parent and child, communication can quickly break down when emotions run high. The Pumpkin Rule offers a simple, effective way to pause, reset, and reconnect — supporting both emotional wellbeing and healthier relationships.
The “Pumpkin Rule” uses a code word or phrase to signal a need for calm during moments of tension. It provides a neutral, non-confrontational way to express emotions before they escalate — helping to protect relationships and promote understanding.
By agreeing on these words or phrases ahead of time, both parties know exactly what they mean. The result? Faster resolution, fewer arguments, and more positive interactions.
Code words work because they take the heat out of the moment. Instead of reacting impulsively or placing blame, they allow people to pause and regulate their emotions. This small act of self-awareness can reduce stress, strengthen empathy, and improve communication — all key to maintaining mental wellbeing.
Identify recurring triggers
Discuss common flashpoints, such as feeling stressed, unheard, or disrespected. These are ideal situations for using a code word.
Choose a neutral or light-hearted word
The more random or funny, the better — it helps to break tension rather than fuel it.
Agree on its meaning
Both people should understand what the code word signifies and what to do next — for example, taking a short break or changing tone.
Respect the signal
When the code word is used, pause the discussion and follow the agreed approach. Avoid debating it in the moment.
“Bristle Brush” – Emotions are rising; time for a brief pause.
“Overload” – Signals emotional overwhelm and a need for a short break.
“Let’s take two” – A cue to rephrase a comment that came across too sharply.
“Pumpkin” – A firm but gentle stop, often used with children to remind them of agreed boundaries or consequences.
Whether you use “Pumpkin” or another code word, the principle remains the same — create space to respond rather than react. This simple tool encourages self-awareness, empathy, and respect, all of which contribute to stronger, more positive relationships.
At Teladoc Health UK, we believe better communication is fundamental to better mental health. Our clinicians and digital tools are designed to help individuals build emotional resilience, strengthen relationships, and navigate life’s challenges with confidence.
Because sometimes, improving wellbeing starts with something as simple as saying “Pumpkin.”
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